At the age of 21, my soul was calling out for healing . . .

I was unhoused, addicted to drugs, struggling with an eating disorder, experiencing mental and emotional distress, and living in a perpetual state of disconnection from myself and from the world around me. This was the peak of my disembodiment—my dark night of the soul.

I had spent the majority of my adolescence and early twenties attempting to find relief from the physical, mental, and emotional pain that I was experiencing. But the western pharmaceutical model and mainstream treatment options continuously fell short, and I was unable to address the root causes that lurked beneath the surface of my increasingly severe symptoms. Much of the treatment that I received—including institutionalization within the troubled teen industry—actually created more difficulty in my capacity to adapt to life’s circumstances and to find a sense of stability and wholeness within myself.

The turmoil in my life continued to escalate until Grace entered my life in April of 2015—just 11 days after my 22nd birthday. I had long grown tired of the life that I had been living, and I was finally ready to choose a new way. Knowing that conventional treatment models had failed to support me in realizing true transformation within my life, I took a leap of faith and began my self-healing journey with David Ison, of blessed memory. David was a family friend, a sound healer, and a spiritual mentor to me. I lived on his land and took space from the people, places, and things that had comprised my daily reality up until that point.

Sacred sound brought me out of the darkness. Plants were there to greet me on the other side.

Once I became steady in my recovery, plants showed up immediately to support my transformation and to help me reclaim the parts of myself that had been exiled, lost, and misplaced while I was spinning in the turmoil of addiction and despair. The first allies were the flowers, to whom I will always be grateful. Flower essences began to open me up to the possibility that something much deeper and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined was available for me to contact and dance with in this life.

I continued to hear the Song of the Subtle, as the plants called me deeper and deeper into their medicine. My early recovery strategy included herbal medicine, psychedelic medicine, yoga, breathwork, meditation, and other supportive modalities. I connected with psychoactive and non-psychoactive plants and began studying western herbalism. Over time, my work with the plants and with these various modalities supported me in creating space within my body for the truth to emerge. The plants taught me how to listen, and my soul began to share with me the reasons for my addictive patterns and behaviors. I finally began to understand the why behind so much of my suffering. I met the place in myself that showed me how to get free and live a life of purpose and meaning, made all the more rich by the path of darkness that led me to the brightest light of my innermost heart.

Then and only then did I truly begin to heal . . .

Once I discovered the root causes for my addictive behaviors, the dissonance in my being began to lovingly dissolve, as the intelligence of my nervous system showed me how to unwind stuck patterns and adaptations that no longer supported me. I could feel that I was held by something far greater than myself and sustained in ways my rational mind could never fully comprehend.

With the plants as my allies and my innermost heart as my guide, I came to understand what I learned on the very first day of herb school—that all healing is self-healing. So, too, did I begin to understand that my personal healing is intricately woven with the healing of the entire planet. This orientation set me on a path of curiosity and a desire to really understand the nature of addiction and why so many of us are navigating addictive patterns in this life.

Early in my recovery, I sat beneath a wise old cottonwood tree . . .

Feeling my own roots entwine with the roots of the tree, I reflected: You are in me, and I am in you. My body is not separate from yours. My body is the Earth’s body. Anything I do to my body, I do to the Earth’s body. Anything I do to the Earth’s body, I do to my body. There is only one body.

I now see addiction as a symptom of disembodiment. While in active addiction, not only was I disembodied from my own physical body, but I was also disembodied from the Earth’s body. Realizing the shared body principle—that my body and the body of Earth are one continuous body—transformed my entire worldview and set me on my path and mission to reweave the body of Self with the body of Earth.

Today, a distinct sense of residency within the Earth reminds me that I belong here. The journey of recovery has been about recovering so much more than my physical health and vitality. It has ushered me into my sense of place and helped me remember what my plant literate ancestors knew in every fiber of their being—that I am a part of this Earth and that this Earth is a part of me. I am awake when I remember this connection. I am healed when I live in reciprocity with the Earth’s medicine. I am whole when I remember my place in life’s unfolding mystery.

It is clear to me that the darkest chapter of my life opened the door to my greatest healing.

The loss of self that accompanied addiction sent me on a journey of self-discovery. Addiction was an invitation to self-knowledge and my initiation into genuine self-healing. I have come to regard the pattern of addiction as a symptom of living in exile from my wholeness, in exile from the recognition of myself as the Earth and the Earth as myself. Working with plants and their medicine has been and continues to be a devotional practice of re-embodying into my identity in Eternity—returning me to my vibrancy within the Web of Life.

I know today that my healing unravels in tandem with the Earth’s healing . . .

For we are the same Song of Creation singing itself whole. To embody this knowing is to return home. Such is my prayer for every sentient being.